Before you read this blog post you have to listen to that song.
Alright folks, we are in Year 4. The year I have always had in my mind as my fall apart year. For those that have been reading since the beginning you will remember that early on I attended a grief group for parents whose children had died. In the group one of the leaders shared that she was able to continue on through life until year 4. In year 4 she went into a deep depression and found herself feeling lost in despair over the death of her child. So I thought that would be me too. I thought Year 4 would be the year I just couldn’t do it anymore. I think I might have been wrong. I don’t think I’m going to break. I’m not going to break because she is all around me. She is in me. I can do this because of her.
Ok I wrote the first part of this 👆🏼 about a month ago. I just opened the draft back up to finish and reread what I wrote. I sound kind of cocky don’t I? I mean really, why do I think I’m going to be the one that doesn’t break? I actually had the gaul to write the words, I’m not going to break. Very bold of me to be that confident. Here’s the deal – I don’t think I’m going to break in some grand, earth-shattering way. I think I have small, tiny breaks from time to time. I do have times where I just get overwhelmed at what my life has become. I get overwhelmed thinking about the fact that I should be raising 3 children right now but I’m raising 2. The significance of what I have experienced is not lost on me and it does weigh on me.
We have pictures and artwork on our fridge (as I’m sure most of you do). Ryan likes to be picked up and she points to all the people in the pictures while you tell her their names. Last week she wanted to do this and I just couldn’t. I picked her up and we got through the first two faces and then she pointed to Reagan. That day I just couldn’t. I had a small, insignificant, barely noticeable crack. I broke just a little bit. The thought of Reagan that day was just too much. So I put Ryan down, told her I was sorry, mommy just can’t do it today. It truly was one of the first times that thinking and talking about Reagan felt overwhelming to me.
I have always been a person to keep my personal feelings private. If you are reading this and you work with me I promise you it’s true 😂 I’m a different person in my home life (blue is my primary color) than the person I am at work. The aftermath of Reagan has had both positive and negative ripples in my life. On one side I am calmer than I used to be. I don’t stress about the things that don’t matter. I have a unique perspective and just don’t waste time or energy on the little things. When it comes to Aidan I’m fairly certain I am overprotective and have anxiety about any additional harm or pain that may come his way. I find myself worrying about him more than I think is probably normal. I worry that he will forever be harmed from losing his sister. I’m doing my best to parent him but the way I parent him has been significantly impacted by the trauma we both experienced in the death of Reagan.
I share all this to let you know where I am at right now and share the song with you because music is therapy. 🎶 This song grounds me in what is important. It helps me focus on the pain and the joy. It helps me heal.
Fly like a cannonball, straight to my soul. Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole. I’m willing to fight for it and carry this weight. But with every step I keep questioning what is true.
This is the most accurate description of Reagan. She is the cannonball. She came into my life with a bang and such a fun free spirit. She left this earth just like she came in, like a cannonball. Hitting me deep in my would shattering me to pieces but keeping me whole. Her life and death has made me fight for what I want, fight for peace in my life, and kept me questioning everything along the way.
Fall on me, with open arms. Fall on me, from where you are. Fall on me, with all your light. With all your light, with all your light.
Yes! 🙌🏼 Soak up her light. She is our sunshine and our hope. She is what gives me strength and grace. She made me a better and stronger person because she gave me her light.
I close my eyes and I’m seeing you everywhere. I step outside, it’s like I’m breathing you in the air. I can feel you’re there.
I don’t visit her grave often. Maybe a couple times a year at this point. I connect to her in other ways. By the pink clouds in the sky. The butterflies 🦋 the sunshine ☀️ the breeze around me. She fills my soul in the most unexpected ways. When I need her she is there. Walking alongside me. Guiding me to her light. She is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Fall on me. Fall on me. Fall on me, with all your light. With all your light, with all your light.