It’s been a while, a long while, since my last blog post. Initially it wasn’t intentional that I wasn’t posting anything but I can’t say it stayed that way. After a bit of time passed I made the decision not to write or rather not to post anything.
At first I didn’t write or post anything just because we were busy. The school year was starting and fall sports season began. We announced we were expecting our third child and time just got away from me. Before I knew it almost a month had passed since my last post. I won’t lie I started several blog posts but couldn’t finish most of them and the ones that I did I couldn’t bring myself to post. After making a few attempts I decided not to write for a while and to stop blogging. It just wasn’t helpful for me at the time. This post is a retrospective look at how I made it through.
Looking back I realized that as we approached the one year anniversary of Reagan’s death I turned my focus to my family rather than myself. I think I tend to cope with my own feelings by trying to support and help others. Now don’t get me wrong I truly believe it is my duty and my honor as both Aidan’s mom and Alex’s wife to support them. To try to help them in their time of need, whether they realize they need support or not, is a role I cherish. I did even before Reagan died. But since she died I find that I tend to shut down everything else around me and within me just to try to make it better. In a way it is therapeutic for me because it makes me feel like I am doing something positive. Something to ease the pain.
Okay I have to be blunt. I just wrote that last sentence “something to ease the pain” and as I read it back in my head I thought to myself what a load of bullshit that is. Nothing can ease the pain. So it’s not that. I don’t do it to ease the pain because I can’t. It’s not possible and I know that. I wish I could but I can’t. It is what it is. The pain is constant and never ending. It has morphed over the last 18 months but it has not eased.
Maybe the more realistic reason I do it is because Alex and Aidan are my circle. They are my tiny little circle. They are the only two people in this world who knew what it was like to have Reagan as part of their family on this earth and who now know what it is like for her not to be on this earth. They are the only two that know what it is like to have her here everyday and then she’s just gone. No one else can come close to understanding. So I turn in and focus on them because only they can understand the pain I feel. And only I can understand the pain they feel.
Even that’s not 100% true either though. Because I can’t understand what it is like to suddenly lose a sibling. All three of my siblings are alive. So I don’t understand that part of Aidan’s pain. I can’t understand what it is like for a father to suddenly lose a daughter. Just as I can’t fully understand their pain they can’t fully understand my pain. Only I can truly understand what it is like to be the mother to our beautiful, vibrant Reagan who suddenly passed. Even with all that we are still our own tiny circle. Reagan is ours and she is gone. So to get through I turn in to my little circle.
The last post I wrote was about the 4th quarter. It was a tough one. The three of us each grieved and processed everything in our own ways. For me I had to take it day by day and sometimes hour by hour. It was a brutal few months leading up to October 19th and a brutal few weeks after. The actual day though was not so bad. We stayed home from work and school and spent the day together. For me the build up to the actual day and the after has been worse for each significant date that came and went during the first year. The only truly challenging date during the first year was her birthday. That was the only one in which the actual date was hard.
As intense and difficult as the first year was we made it through. I made it through. Along the way I used multiple methods to deal with the grief and process the death of my daughter. It is a process that will never end and I am confident that what works for me now will not always work.
You know it’s not a choice. This thing happened to me and I have to find a way through it. Reagan died and I’m still here. I have to find a way through. I can’t get around it. It is what it is. So I will find a way through. It will be the greatest challenge of my life but I will get through.
The song below has been one that I listen to a lot. Crazy enough the music video was published on October 19, 2016. The one year anniversary of Reagan’s death.
Take a listen: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zcd3BIP-ly0.