The Bright Side

This one will be quick. As we approach the official 5 year mark I am thankful to be surrounded by such amazing and compassionate people. My people. From my family to friends to coworkers…no matter the situation they are there. They show up and lean in. Near and far they make a difference.

Today was a weird day. It started off with taking my kiddos to school. With the bridge out today was only the second time I have taken them to school since the hurricane. I miss my morning rides with them. I arrived to work and during our team huddle was surprised by my team with some awesome boss’s day gifts. Then the day went sideways. The flowers we ordered for our boss never arrived and a coworker reminded me to look at the bright side because she will feel extra special on Monday when they do arrive. I finally made it home around 6:45pm and was greeted by the most thoughtful card from a dear friend that I don’t get to see or talk to often enough.

Life is weird. 5 years ago today, around 11:45pm, is the last time I heard my daughters voice. Today I am surrounded by the voices of my people cheering me on and reminding me to look at the bright side. My wish for each of you is that you have people like my people. They are pretty awesome and I would not be who I am without each of them. So thank YOU for helping me and my family get through the last 5 years.

Y’all are pretty awesome. 💞

Until next time,

Maggie

It’s Not Enough

**this post was written in November 2019, I just wasn’t quite ready to hit publish. Still not sure I’m ready but here it is. Part 1 at least. 💜 **

I attended a leadership conference over the last few days. It was a tremendous opportunity to connect and network with colleagues across our organization and re-energize our commitment to our mission. The program was well thought out and a balance of inspirational stories, challenges to be better and do better, and to celebrate our successes but to always strive for improvement.

One of the speakers shared a powerful video about Nora. A little girl who passed away due to a preventable infection. The story hit home with me. Not because I know with certainty that Reagan’s death was preventable but because we don’t know. In the video the mother said the care takers had a wait and see attitude. My biggest regret is that I permitted the same wait and see attitude and by the time I pleaded for help it was in all likelihood too late. The painful point is that we will never really know. If nothing else what I continue to learn in my career and life is that if we don’t talk about it we can’t make a change. So here is my story about Reagan’s care experience.

Reagan’s very first sign of illness was on October 4, 2015 as we were driving back from Ohio. She complained of a headache right after we got home which was odd for a 5 year old but I gave her some Tylenol and off she went to sleep. The next day she woke up happy as can be and went off to another day of kindergarten. The school called by mid-day and said that Reagan had been throwing up and we needed to come get her. I picked her up and she was in good spirits, said her head hurt a little and her tummy didn’t feel good. She stayed home on Tuesday. No complaints of anything other than a headache on and off. Wednesday morning she complained of a sore throat so off we went to the doctor for a strep test. It was negative and Reagan had no other symptoms so we got the all clear to send her back to school on Thursday with the direction that if she got worse or didn’t improve to bring her back in a couple days. Thursday she went to school. Again the school called by mid-day to tell me Reagan had been throwing up. I picked her up and we went home. This time she was visibly not feeling well and had no appetite. She complained of an intense headache and would only tolerate fluids. Friday morning we headed back to the pediatrician. We saw him again and described the decline we had observed with Reagan. They did a quick blood test and the pediatrician came back in to tell me we needed to go to the ER. Reagan’s white blood cell count was high and she would need to be evaluated further. I asked if he had any thoughts as to what it might be. Meningitis he said. Meningitis. I could tell by his demeanor and the way he was communicating with me he was concerned. I knew he was taking this seriously but didn’t understand myself how serious it would become. He called the ER and told them we were coming. We arrived and were triaged by a nurse and then fairly quickly taken back to a room. They started IV fluids and within an hour or so Reagan perked up. They did a urinalysis and said the results were clear but could be positive because it was possible it wasn’t a clean, sterile catch so they would culture it for a few more days. Reagan asked for a hamburger and we appeased her with a popsicle and some graham crackers. We never saw the physician. The PA and RN treated Reagan that night. We were discharged home without any further discussion or concern for what might really be wrong. That was it some IV fluids and a popsicle.

The next day was a Saturday and Reagan was tired but symptom free. Sunday she was back to her normal self. She went to school Monday, October 12th, Tuesday, October 13th, and Wednesday, October 14th remaining symptom free. Wednesday night she had a Chick-Fil-A sandwich for dinner and lost a tooth while biting into the sandwich. She accidentally swallows it and was so mad because she thought that meant the tooth fairy wouldn’t come. I assured her that wasn’t the case and she settled. Off to bed she went. Thursday morning I was up before the kids and getting ready for the day. Aidan came in to get me because Reagan was throwing up in her bed. It was 6:43am. I got Reagan cleaned up and settled in my bed. Got Aidan ready for school and on the bus. I called work and told them I was going to have to call out again. I called the pediatrician when they opened and we headed back in for another evaluation. Only this time our primary didn’t have an available appointment so we saw the other pediatrician in the practice. But we didn’t even see her. We got the med student who evaluated Reagan and spent a ridiculous amount of time asking me to repeat Reagan’s timeline of symptoms while she diligently took notes in her little black notebook. All the while Reagan was curled up in my lap with the lights off in the room because they made her head worse and me whispering because the noise also made it worse. Finally after more than 2 hours they told us we were being sent to the hospital for a STAT CT with and without contrast. They told me they worked hard to get us the STAT CT without having to send us to the ED. At the time I thought, wow, how nice of them. I don’t have those same thoughts now. We should have been immediately sent to the ED when I called the office that morning. If not then, then definitely when we arrived at the office. So off we went to the hospital for our STAT CT. We were instructed to wait at the hospital for the pediatricians office to call with results. I did. The RN called. She told me the results were normal so we were good to go. I was stunned. I didn’t understand how we were good to go home. I distinctly remember asking her what I was supposed to do because Reagan’s pain was no longer controlled by medication I had and something was clearly wrong. I was again told the scans were clear and I could go home and just make sure I kept her hydrated. I went home. I shouldn’t have gone home. But I did. Reagan did not improve at home and a few hours later she was no longer keeping fluids down. I had my mother in law take Aidan to his flag football game that night while I stayed home with Reagan. I was pacing the house watching her lay there, lethargic, and in a tremendous amount of pain. I knew in my gut something was wrong but had now seen the pediatrician 3 times in 8 days, been to the ER, and had a clear CT with and without contrast telling me she was fine. I felt like a crazy person. Around 8pm I loaded her up in the car and headed back to the ED. We waited for close to an hour to be triaged. The waiting room was standing room only. We had the same triage nurse. She remembered Reagan from 6 days prior and made the statement “I remember her. She presented in the same state last week as she is tonight.” Yes, I said. Immediately after being triaged a paramedic got us and took us back. The nurse came in the room fairly quickly, followed by the doctor. The doctor did a quick assessment and told me they were going to order some tests for further evaluation starting with a basic blood test. As he was walking out of the room I spoke up. I was standing near the end of the bed and he was in the doorway to the room. I begged him to please not discharge us home. I asked him for help to treat Reagan because something was wrong but we didn’t have any answers. He looked at me and very confidently said “I know and we aren’t sending you anywhere. We are going to find out what is going on.”

Blood work came back up. White blood cell count still high. Other elements were also off and ER physician ordered a spinal tap. The spinal tap was completed around 1am on Friday, October 16th. Approximately two hours later the physician came back and informed me of the results. They believe she has meningitis and she was being admitted. Meningitis. We were admitted to the oncology unit as that was the only room available. The ER nurse transported us to our room and did the bedside handoff with the oncology nurse. The oncology nurse then proceeded to do an assessment of Reagan with me sitting in the chair next to the bed. The nurse then said to me “I’m really not supposed to be caring for patients like Reagan because I’m pregnant and can’t risk exposure.” I knew what she was saying to me as she stood there at the bedside with her PPE. I also knew it was about to be shift change so I would only have to deal with her for about 90 minutes max. So I didn’t speak up. I should have. She should have never said that to me. I was a mother, alone and exhausted. Scared and confused about what was happening with my vibrant and healthy five year old little girl. She had no right to put that on me. But she did and I didn’t speak up. So I own that too.

At this point we are a full 11 days from the first symptom, 8 days from the first pediatrician visit, 6 days from first ER visit, and one day after the first CT scan. We are now in inpatient status with a lot of providers coming in to evaluate and discuss her treatment plan. As soon as a room opened up on the general pediatric floor we were moved. It was mid-afternoon/early evening. I was thankful for the move as the oncology room was right next to the nurses station and the noise bothered Reagan. When we got to our new room and got settled in we had one goal: we needed to get Reagan to go to the bathroom. She was in so much pain every time she moved so it was a long and draining process for all of us. Finally around 11:45pm that night as I held Reagan while she sat on the toilet she was able to go to the bathroom. She was begging me to take her back to the bed and kept telling me how much it hurt. I begged her to just go potty for mommy and we can lay back down. So she did. Almost 8 hours of trying and she had gone to the bathroom. I was relieved. I thought it was a sign of hope. That was the last time she spoke.

More to come when I’m ready.

With love,

Maggie

Exhale the bullshit.

Never in my life have I given much thought to my own mental health or well being. 2020 changed that for me and as we begin another year I am reminded of why I need to focus on my overall well being.

I have always been known to take it all on. At least I’ve always known myself that way. I don’t say no, even if I’m already at max capacity. I’m not sure if I always say “yes” because I want to please or help others or if I say “yes” because I want to prove to myself and others that I can do it all. That I can take it all on without help and excel at it. This approach has served me well until 2020. This year has started to teach me some lessons about myself that I may not have learned otherwise. News flash: I’m not very good at asking for help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I create an enormous amount of pressure for myself internally and have to find a way to give myself and ultimately others some grace. The pandemic started for us in March. The kids were sent home from school and didn’t go back until late August. My work as a hospital leader was thrown into a tail spin. We were constantly adjusting to new processes and protocols based on the ever-changing guidance as we learned more and more about COVID-19. Now we are in the vaccination phase at the same time as another surge. I am exhausted from all the things. Trying to find a way to recharge and reset. Those that don’t work in healthcare don’t quite get it because it’s just different living through what we have. As I drove to work last week I reflected on how there is never a break. The constant conversation about all things COVID exists everywhere for us. It’s at home. It’s at work. It’s everywhere.

In November my husband and I took a vacation by ourselves. It was the first time in 4 years that I truly unplugged from work. It was a big deal. I thought I would come back from that trip recharged, relaxed, and ready to take on the world. That lasted about a day. Then I was full of stress and all the other fun things life has to offer. What occurred between the week of thanksgiving and the week of Christmas truly changed me. I decided that I matter. My mental health matters. The stress and anxiety I am living with all the time is not okay and I have to do something about it. I decided to let go. I decided to exhale the bullshit.

So, I bought myself a Christmas present this year. Never done that before. It’s a bracelet that has a hidden message on the inside. Mine says “exhale the bullshit.” It’s my 2021 motto. I have to say that since the week of Christmas I feel lighter. I made a choice to not let others control my attitude. To not let others impact me in a way to brings stress and anxiety to my life. I am working on exhaling the bullshit everyday. Focusing on what matters. On how I can have a positive impact on others in my work and at home.

You should try it. Exhale the bullshit. I promise if you do, 2021 will be your best year yet.

With love and less bullshit,

Maggie

Tuesday thoughts…

Today was a busy, frustrating day at work. One of those “there must be a full moon” 🌕 kind of days. On the commute home I turned my Bluetooth on, put the music on shuffle, and cranked it up. The second song came on just as I was getting on the highway. I was singing along when the chorus came on and all of a sudden I was overcome with emotion. I spent the rest of the song with tears rolling down my face, listening to the words as I drove across the I-10 bridge. When the song ended my tears dried up and I felt a sense of relief. I have listened to that song a thousand times before, but tonight I heard it and felt it in a different way.

I know I’ve shared the song before but will share again because it truly is worth a listen. Listen here 🎶 Fall on Me 🎶

October 4, 2015. October 5, 2015. October 7, 2015. October 8, 2015. October 9, 2015. October 15, 2015. October 16, 2015. October 17, 2015. October 18, 2015. October 19, 2015. October 23, 2015.

I thought sooner or later
The lights up above will come down in circles and guide me to love
But I don’t know what’s right for me
I cannot see straight
I’ve been here too long and I don’t want to wait for it
Fly like a cannonball, straight to my soul
Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole

Those are the dates that I relive every year around this time. Each date something happened with Reagan and each decision, action, and inaction from each of those dates are replayed in my mind each year. What could I or should I have done differently? What should her doctors and nurses have done differently? I am filled with what if’s even though my logical self knows that does no good. October 19, 2015 at 5:19pm was the worst. This year will be 5 years since she has been gone. That’s as many years gone as I had with her.

I’m willing to fight for it and carry this weight
But with every step
I keep questioning what it’s true

From here on out the years she has been gone will outweigh the time I got with her. Seems silly to focus on that but it has always been a milestone I have dreaded in this never ending grief process.

Fall on me
With open arms
Fall on me
From where you are
Fall on me
With all your light
With all your light
With all your light

When I got home tonight everyone was doing their own thing. Aidan was surfing the web for baseball gear. Ryan was watching frozen on the ipad. Alex relaxing in the chair watching jeopardy. I was making dinner for everyone. After dinner we ended up on the back porch. All 4 of us and the dog. Aidan was choosing to hang out with us. Ryan was following her big brother around mimicking his every move. As the kids played in the yard with the dog I sat on the porch with Alex and just enjoyed the moment. Aidan even indulged his little sister in a game of Jenga! It didn’t last long as everyone started to head in for the night but it was magical.

I close my eyes
And I’m seeing you everywhere
I step outside
It’s like I’m breathing you in the air
I can feel you’re thereFall on me
Ascoltami
Fall on me
Abbracciami
Fall on me
With all your light
With all your light
With all your light.

If I have learned nothing else about myself and my family it’s that I know we will persevere and get through this together. It sucks a little less with them by my side. Reagan’s light keeps us going.

Until next time,

Maggie

♥️

Songwriters: Fortunato Zampaglione / Chad Vaccarino / Ian Axel / Matteo BocelliFall on Me lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sugarmusic s.p.a.

Feeling settled 🏡

If you know me or have read my blog you know some of my story. In October 2015 our 5 year old daughter Reagan died suddenly. Prior to her death we had just moved into a new rental home. We had to move into that home quickly because our previous rental the owners gave us notice they were moving back to town and would be moving back into the home. So in August 2015 we scrambled and snagged a rental in the same school zone and quickly moved. The home was a garden home with 3 beds and 2 baths. Reagan passed and our lives changed. In June 2016 we found out we were expecting our third child Ryan. The only unused room in our house was Reagan’s room which remained untouched with the door closed since she died. Even though we were only in that house with Reagan for 2 months I couldn’t imagine turning it into our other child’s room. So we decided after living in Gulf Breeze for 3 years it was time to put down roots and buy.

We found our home and moved in October 2016. One year after Reagan passed away. Ryan was born a few months later and we were finding our new normal as a family. Aidan started middle school in 2018 and because of where we bought our house he was zoned for a different middle school than the majority of his elementary school and almost every single one of his close friends. I was convinced Aidan would do well at his middle school and would have the awesome opportunity to make more friends. And that’s what happened for the most part. Aidan did make some new friends and overall he got good grades. But he wasn’t happy. We faced several challenges that were unlike our Aidan and to date those 2 years have been the most challenging ones as a parent. And yes, I know that he’s only just turned 14 so there are more challenges ahead but Aidan is not like most other kids. In 2015 his only sibling died unexpectedly and without a confirmed and clear cause. He didn’t get to see her for one last time or have closure. That impacts a child in ways I never understood until we have walked through them as a family. So the stressors were there, we were doing our best, but I always felt on edge about what was going to go wrong next.

Opposite to the stress and anxiety I generally felt about my personal life, my career was developing quite nicely. I was promoted and started a new job in January 2017. In winter 2018 I was 1 of 20 selected to participate in the inaugural HR development cohort for our company. I was hitting my stride and thrilled at the opportunities and challenges of where my career could go. I graduated from the development program in December 2019 and I had every intention of exploring my next step with the company which would ultimately require a relocation out of the area. I was okay with that and looked forward to it but had a tight timeframe as I wanted to move before Aidan started high school in the fall of 2021.

Then 2020 happened. We have moved again, but stayed in Gulf Breeze. Deciding to firmly plant ourselves in Gulf Breeze until at least 2025 when Aidan graduates. The challenges brought on from the pandemic forced me to realign my priorities and ultimately make a professional choice from a position of being a mother. My gut told me that we needed to be here. That I needed to make the very difficult decision to put my professional growth on hold for the time being.

If we were going to stay then we were going to find a house that better suited our long term needs and allowed us to move Aidan to a different school. We found our home and moved in late June. Aidan started at his new school and is happier than I’ve seen him in 2 years. So today, I feel settled in my decision to find a new balance between personal and professional. Both are still a priority but each in a different way. Nothing is perfect, but it’s starting to settle and that I feel good about. ❤️

Until next time,

Maggie

I’m not crazy…a lesson in learning to trust myself

It started with a little congestion. Then a day or two later a cough. Then a fever later that night and a trip to the doctor the next morning to test for the flu. Negative for flu. Viral illness was the diagnosis with treatment plan to hydrate and keep fever down. ✅✅ The fever broke later that night but she did not sleep at all. Was up every 30 minutes and coughing all night king. Fever stayed down at 99 for 40 hours when all of a sudden it came back with a vengeance. It was 103. I texted my husband and told him. Then started to try to get her fever down. It came down to just under 101 and she was starting to perk up. I debated for 3 hours on what to do next. It had barely been 48 hours since we were at the doctor and I know viruses take longer than that sometimes to run their course. But what kept gnawing at me was the extended break in her fever, the sleeplessness, and the slight wheezing I thought I felt when she was resting on me at 4am. My husband told me I wasn’t crazy and to take her to the doctor. My mom told me I wasn’t crazy, take her to the doctor. So I called the doctor and off we went for another visit. A few hours later after a thorough discussion, examination, and chest x-Ray we had a diagnosis of right ear infection and pneumonia in the right lung. It was VERY early. We did good and she was going to be okay because I (we) trusted our gut.

I have no doubt that if I had a different pediatrician we would not have caught the pneumonia so early. Pneumonia for anyone is serious. Pneumonia for a 2 year old is scary serious. Catching it early and starting antibiotics meant she didn’t end up in the hospital. It meant she was able to enjoy Thanksgiving. It meant her family was able to breathe easier. It meant she would be okay. Too often healthcare providers ignore the person and instead treat the symptoms by the book. If that were done here we would have again been told it’s viral and to go home, keep her hydrated, and come back in a few more days if she still didn’t improve. But because we have someone that cares for our family as if we were her family that’s not what we heard. Instead we had a pediatrician that saw Ryan in the schedule and switched things around so she could be the one to see us. We spent a great deal of time discussing possibilities and timeline of symptoms. Each little symptom. Each little change. Discussing Ryan. How she responded and changed. How she was feeling. We talked about how I was feeling. We talked about multiple options to determine what was wrong. We talked about multiple outcomes and treatment options. In the end we made the decision together, parent and provider, and because we acted as a team Ryan is better.

You know what’s scary? I almost didn’t take her back to to the doctor. I knew in my gut something wasn’t right. I knew it was more than just a virus but I also knew that it had been only a few days since onset of the illness and we had already been to the doctor once. I felt crazy for thinking I needed to take her back to the doctor. I talked to my husband and he told me to take her to the doctor. He told me I wasn’t crazy and to take her back. I talked to my mom who told me the same thing. She told me to trust myself and take her back. So I listened to my husband, my mom, and myself and took her back. I even told the doctor I felt crazy for being back but just had a feeling and knew Ryan. She listened to me and trusted me. She knew Ryan and listened to her gut.

Recently I had a conversation with someone about this very same issue. In a separate practice we saw a provider for a concern about needing to look at Ryan’s tonsils. There was zero conversation with me about what my concerns were. The provider looked at her tonsils and then proceeded to provide a very robotic, textbook response. I googled enlarged tonsils in toddler and got the exact same answer I got dell the doctor. Not helpful. I don’t need a doctor to recite google to me. I need a doctor to discuss care plan options with me, to discuss concerns, to discuss Ryan. Providers that go by the book instead of having a collaborative partnership with the patient/families to provide better and more appropriate care. Someone asked if the provider knew my story and the story of Reagan. No, they didn’t but it shouldn’t matter. I shouldn’t get different or better treatment because I lost one child already. Each parent/patient/child deserves to be treated as an individual. They deserve to be a collaborative partner to their healthcare. They deserve to be a part of the conversation and decision making. There were certainly multiple instances in Reagan’s story that I would do different if I had to do them all over again. There were providers I wish had treated Reagan and not just the symptoms. Maybe something would be different if they had. I don’t know. We will never know. I shouldn’t have to wonder. But I do and that’s a problem. We have to change the way we approach healthcare. It cannot be a textbook response and one size fits all approach. That will fail. It does fail. I know because it failed my family. That approach failed Reagan.

So to all the healthcare providers out there please take the time to listen. Partner with the patient and family members to raise the bar and provide better care. To all the mommas out there, TRUST YOURSELF. You know best and know your child. Speak up and challenge the doctors to do more and be better. Be the advocate and open the conversation. I know I will be and this has certainly been a lesson to trust myself. I am not crazy, I am a mother and I can and should trust my intuition.

Until next time…M

The Power of a Village

I have never been a woman that had a lot of female friends. Growing up I always found it easier to get along with males. The few female friends I did have I am still friends with today so I guess I was blessed to find the good ones. I have found over the years that each of my friends serve us in different ways at different times in our lives. They may come and go but each friendship is unique and valuable. Even the ones that didn’t last I have come to learn had a lasting impact on me and on my future relationships with others.

My friendships are valuable to me. A few of my closest friends are no longer nearby, I moved away from one and one moved away from me. One I have been friends with since I was 4 and the other for just 6 years. I would not be the woman I am today without either one of these ladies. Today none of us live in the same state. We are spread out across the country but we are friends nonetheless. Life has pulled us in different directions but something has kept us connected. They are my chosen family.

I have other dear friends that live nearby and are vital part of my sanity and my success. They workout with me, they listen to me, they confide in me, they care for my kids. They are my village. I can count on my hands the women that I truly know are my dear friends. The ones that don’t judge, they are there in times of challenge and joy. They are the ones I want to spend my time with laughing and bonding over the craziness that we call life. Because life is complicated and I’ve found that it is necessary to surround myself with a small group of amazing women to be successful and happy. They are my lifeline in times of need, from major life crisis such as the death of Reagan to the smallest things like picking Aidan up after his baseball lesson because I can’t get there. These women are my solace, each in a different way, but all vital to my peace.

I’ve had this blog post as a “work in progress” for over two years now. Recently one of my friends shared this article with me and it resonated with me so I decided it was time to post.

https://grownandflown.com/moms-need-friendship-grow-older/

Thank you to my village. You are my lifeline.

Until next time,

Maggie

P.S. Be on the lookout for a blog post in the coming weeks where I share how my village came out in force when Reagan got sick and the lasting impact that has had on me.

Tears of Anger

Well tonight I hit a wall. I’ve been crying on and off for hours now. I found myself tonight very angry. Then sad. Then angry again. I sat in traffic, almost at a standstill, trying to get home just crying and cursing at the world. I was suddenly and completely overwhelmed with grief. Multiple times I just burst out crying. I was thankful I had a 90-minute commute home tonight so I could have time to myself. I needed it. I spoke to a family member during that car ride a few times and that person asked me three times (I think) if I was okay. Each time I answered no. No. I am not okay. But you know what? I am proud of myself for saying out loud that my answer to that question is no. I am proud of myself for answering honestly and not responding with the easier answer of, “yes, I’m fine.” I said no. Tonight the answer is no.

It’s been a long time since I have experienced my grief in the way I am tonight. I decided to watch some old home videos of Reagan to try to focus on the joy she brought to our lives. I generally find watching videos of her or browsing through old photos to be therapeutic. Normally I find a sense of peace about myself after these trips down memory lane. Tonight I found myself bouncing between peace and anger. My anger tonight was very focused as I watched old videos of Aidan and Reagan together I found myself so upset that my family dynamic was forever changed. That I was forever robbed of creating more memories of my children laughing and playing together. Having Aidan and Ryan 10 years apart is like raising two only children. I find it very hard to find the balance between their interests while trying to create lasting family memories. I constantly wonder what it would be like if Reagan were here in the middle. If she were here to bridge the gap.

Tonight I am angry for what could have been and for what is. I am angry that I am constantly second guessing my parenting out of fear that I’m too harsh or too soft with Aidan. I’m angry that I have to even consider whether his pre-teen moodiness is driven by anything other than normal pre-teen stuff. I’m angry that I am angry. I’m angry that I can’t deal with a crisis without breaking down. Tonight I’m just fucking angry.

I’m allowing myself to be angry tonight. I’m allowing myself to cry tonight. Tomorrow I hope I will wake up and feel more peace. I can’t change the course of what has happened only what is in front of me. Tomorrow my answer will be yes. I hope.

With love,

Maggie

P.S. to my people that talked with me tonight and those that offered their help…thank you 😘 you are so loved and I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.

Year 4

https://youtu.be/ChcR2gKt5WM

Before you read this blog post you have to listen to that song.

Alright folks, we are in Year 4. The year I have always had in my mind as my fall apart year. For those that have been reading since the beginning you will remember that early on I attended a grief group for parents whose children had died. In the group one of the leaders shared that she was able to continue on through life until year 4. In year 4 she went into a deep depression and found herself feeling lost in despair over the death of her child. So I thought that would be me too. I thought Year 4 would be the year I just couldn’t do it anymore. I think I might have been wrong. I don’t think I’m going to break. I’m not going to break because she is all around me. She is in me. I can do this because of her.

Ok I wrote the first part of this 👆🏼 about a month ago. I just opened the draft back up to finish and reread what I wrote. I sound kind of cocky don’t I? I mean really, why do I think I’m going to be the one that doesn’t break? I actually had the gaul to write the words, I’m not going to break. Very bold of me to be that confident. Here’s the deal – I don’t think I’m going to break in some grand, earth-shattering way. I think I have small, tiny breaks from time to time. I do have times where I just get overwhelmed at what my life has become. I get overwhelmed thinking about the fact that I should be raising 3 children right now but I’m raising 2. The significance of what I have experienced is not lost on me and it does weigh on me.

We have pictures and artwork on our fridge (as I’m sure most of you do). Ryan likes to be picked up and she points to all the people in the pictures while you tell her their names. Last week she wanted to do this and I just couldn’t. I picked her up and we got through the first two faces and then she pointed to Reagan. That day I just couldn’t. I had a small, insignificant, barely noticeable crack. I broke just a little bit. The thought of Reagan that day was just too much. So I put Ryan down, told her I was sorry, mommy just can’t do it today. It truly was one of the first times that thinking and talking about Reagan felt overwhelming to me.

I have always been a person to keep my personal feelings private. If you are reading this and you work with me I promise you it’s true 😂 I’m a different person in my home life (blue is my primary color) than the person I am at work. The aftermath of Reagan has had both positive and negative ripples in my life. On one side I am calmer than I used to be. I don’t stress about the things that don’t matter. I have a unique perspective and just don’t waste time or energy on the little things. When it comes to Aidan I’m fairly certain I am overprotective and have anxiety about any additional harm or pain that may come his way. I find myself worrying about him more than I think is probably normal. I worry that he will forever be harmed from losing his sister. I’m doing my best to parent him but the way I parent him has been significantly impacted by the trauma we both experienced in the death of Reagan.

I share all this to let you know where I am at right now and share the song with you because music is therapy. 🎶 This song grounds me in what is important. It helps me focus on the pain and the joy. It helps me heal.

Fly like a cannonball, straight to my soul. Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole. I’m willing to fight for it and carry this weight. But with every step I keep questioning what is true.

This is the most accurate description of Reagan. She is the cannonball. She came into my life with a bang and such a fun free spirit. She left this earth just like she came in, like a cannonball. Hitting me deep in my would shattering me to pieces but keeping me whole. Her life and death has made me fight for what I want, fight for peace in my life, and kept me questioning everything along the way.

Fall on me, with open arms. Fall on me, from where you are. Fall on me, with all your light. With all your light, with all your light.

Yes! 🙌🏼 Soak up her light. She is our sunshine and our hope. She is what gives me strength and grace. She made me a better and stronger person because she gave me her light.

I close my eyes and I’m seeing you everywhere. I step outside, it’s like I’m breathing you in the air. I can feel you’re there.

I don’t visit her grave often. Maybe a couple times a year at this point. I connect to her in other ways. By the pink clouds in the sky. The butterflies 🦋 the sunshine ☀️ the breeze around me. She fills my soul in the most unexpected ways. When I need her she is there. Walking alongside me. Guiding me to her light. She is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Fall on me. Fall on me. Fall on me, with all your light. With all your light, with all your light.

♥️

#whoisyourcannonball #everywhereandnowhere #sheismylight

#youaremyfightsong

Love and BAM, what?! ♥️💥

So today was mostly a shitty day. It ended well with Aidan’s chorus concert but other than that it just sucked. Both my kids were crying today when I left them to go to work. So then I was crying. Yep I cried all the way down the daycare hallway and to my car. I drove to work and when I parked I opened up Facebook as I walked in. The first thing in my newsfeed was the below video.

https://www.facebook.com/smith.maggiet/videos/869332613110828/

Guess what? Yep you got it! I started crying again. Didn’t even watch the damn video. I knew exactly which one it was because I distinctly remember the day I found it on my iPad. So needless to say motherhood got the best of me today and I spent most of the day feeling like a failure.

In my head I know I’m not a failure but that didn’t help today. My middle schooler was crying over his struggles with advanced math and my disappointment with his lack of attention to detail and focus. My toddler was crying because for some reason today she didn’t want mommy to leave her at daycare. She never cries when I leave but today she bawled her eyes out. I cried because I felt like I was failing everyone. If I’m honest my tears were probably also from being tired and overwhelmed with life.

So I went to work and tried to leave my #momfail feelings at the door. I was definitely not successful at that today. I was grumpy all day. Didn’t really talk a lot and felt very frustrated with everything. I’m usually very good at keeping my personal and professional life issues separate but not today. Today my worlds collided. In spite of that collision I made it through the day pretty much unscathed and scooted out the door around 3:30 (of course that was later than planned) to go get the kids and get Aidan to his chorus concert. Aidan’s concert was lovely and even though he won’t admit it I think he enjoyed singing on that stage. He especially liked the song “I ain’t gettin nuttin for Christmas.” 🎄 As I watched him on stage he seemed happy and joyful. Smiling and laughing with his friends while he waited for the concert to start. Singing with a little smirk during the sings. As I watched I was reminded that he was a normal 12 year old boy. I reaffirmed to myself I was doing something right with him. My baseball loving boy was in a suit with a bow tie and cummerbund and he was joyful. That is success!

I also thought of how I reacted this morning over his incomplete math. I thought about my 12 year old that tends to give up and check out when he feels like he is failing. Kind of like how his mom felt today.

😳🤯 I know that’s how you’re feeling right now. That’s how I feel too. You see, I realized tonight that while I find struggles and failures at work to be a challenge and an inspiration to do better next time at home, as a mother, the opposite occurs. Probably has something to do with the fact that I’m an orange at work and blue at home for Ntrinsx. Basically, I lead with my heart at home and my head at work. When I feel like I am failing as a mother I just want to stop. Stop isn’t really the right word. I really just want it to be easier. I want a break. I want to know be constantly worrying about whether or not he’s going to break. Constantly worrying about whether or not I’m going to break. It’s exhausting.

You know who wasn’t crying today? Reagan. She was singing in that video. Singing in her sweet little 4 year old voice a made up song full of joy and love. Over and over again she sang “I love you.” ♥️ Then she ended (or tried to end) with her favorite phrase, “BAM, what?” 💥

So tonight after we left the chorus concert and after we finished working on math Aidan and I watched the video together. He said “oh my gosh, her song doesn’t make much sense but she got her ‘BAM, what?!’ in didn’t she?” Yes she did Aidan. 💞 She also reminded us that life shouldn’t be so serious all the time. She reminded me that I am not a failure as a mother. She reminded me that as long as my kiddos feel love and support they will find their way. They will fight through their struggles and come out the other side. She reminded us that we are strong and we won’t break.

At the end of the night I’m laying my head down feeling successful. Feeling like I am rocking it as a mom. Knowing that I am the best mother for my three children. Believing that with love and a little bit of BAM, what?! we will all be okay. ♥️💥

Until next time ~ Maggie

P.S. How handsome is Aidan?!?! He did tell me tonight I couldn’t say that out loud in public but WordPress blogs don’t count as public, right?!?! 😉♥️