Tuesday thoughts…

Today was a busy, frustrating day at work. One of those “there must be a full moon” 🌕 kind of days. On the commute home I turned my Bluetooth on, put the music on shuffle, and cranked it up. The second song came on just as I was getting on the highway. I was singing along when the chorus came on and all of a sudden I was overcome with emotion. I spent the rest of the song with tears rolling down my face, listening to the words as I drove across the I-10 bridge. When the song ended my tears dried up and I felt a sense of relief. I have listened to that song a thousand times before, but tonight I heard it and felt it in a different way.

I know I’ve shared the song before but will share again because it truly is worth a listen. Listen here 🎶 Fall on Me 🎶

October 4, 2015. October 5, 2015. October 7, 2015. October 8, 2015. October 9, 2015. October 15, 2015. October 16, 2015. October 17, 2015. October 18, 2015. October 19, 2015. October 23, 2015.

I thought sooner or later
The lights up above will come down in circles and guide me to love
But I don’t know what’s right for me
I cannot see straight
I’ve been here too long and I don’t want to wait for it
Fly like a cannonball, straight to my soul
Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole

Those are the dates that I relive every year around this time. Each date something happened with Reagan and each decision, action, and inaction from each of those dates are replayed in my mind each year. What could I or should I have done differently? What should her doctors and nurses have done differently? I am filled with what if’s even though my logical self knows that does no good. October 19, 2015 at 5:19pm was the worst. This year will be 5 years since she has been gone. That’s as many years gone as I had with her.

I’m willing to fight for it and carry this weight
But with every step
I keep questioning what it’s true

From here on out the years she has been gone will outweigh the time I got with her. Seems silly to focus on that but it has always been a milestone I have dreaded in this never ending grief process.

Fall on me
With open arms
Fall on me
From where you are
Fall on me
With all your light
With all your light
With all your light

When I got home tonight everyone was doing their own thing. Aidan was surfing the web for baseball gear. Ryan was watching frozen on the ipad. Alex relaxing in the chair watching jeopardy. I was making dinner for everyone. After dinner we ended up on the back porch. All 4 of us and the dog. Aidan was choosing to hang out with us. Ryan was following her big brother around mimicking his every move. As the kids played in the yard with the dog I sat on the porch with Alex and just enjoyed the moment. Aidan even indulged his little sister in a game of Jenga! It didn’t last long as everyone started to head in for the night but it was magical.

I close my eyes
And I’m seeing you everywhere
I step outside
It’s like I’m breathing you in the air
I can feel you’re thereFall on me
Ascoltami
Fall on me
Abbracciami
Fall on me
With all your light
With all your light
With all your light.

If I have learned nothing else about myself and my family it’s that I know we will persevere and get through this together. It sucks a little less with them by my side. Reagan’s light keeps us going.

Until next time,

Maggie

♥️

Songwriters: Fortunato Zampaglione / Chad Vaccarino / Ian Axel / Matteo BocelliFall on Me lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sugarmusic s.p.a.